her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize