He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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