i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
