you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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