Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
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