upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize