How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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