I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
