i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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