the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
