dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I just found puke in my bra..
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
