What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
