btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
