dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
