hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize