how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
