Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I wear drunk well.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
