I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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