There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
