every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
