No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize