I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
