I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
