How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i think i have two assholes
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
