I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
