you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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