I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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