He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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