how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
