so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
