I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
