i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize