My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Drake has all the answers
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
