Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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