Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
