hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize