I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
