I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
