Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Randomize
