btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
