I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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