So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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