we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
