Yeah....I really appreciate it....I didn't even get it from hooking up....lame, atleast if a girl gets u sick when u r hooking up it was fun in its inception...
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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