Is it normal to miss your booty call?
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
