I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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