Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
i out mim tonsoeep
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