i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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