If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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