dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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