My room smells like vodka and shame
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
