Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize