I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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