The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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