dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
just come out here and I will go home with you...
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize