You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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