Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Randomize
