DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Randomize
