we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
