I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize